orgasm smorgasm

three-bacchante

You who regularly read this blog know that the Rant-ress is a longtime, happy-to-be-one feminist which is often mistaken for a person who hates men—mostly by men—instead of someone who yearns for justice & parity. Yet—somehow, amazingly—she manages to write critiques about women as well. See: i like a woman who takes “care” of herself or spandex with a side of breasts or you stink!

That said, could we speak about female orgasm* for a few minutes without the specter of “porn-orgasm” that informs many women’s sex lives and fabricates dramatic moments of moaning and panting that are rarely real?

About 10% of females experience Anorgasmia, the inability to ever reach orgasm, but many women who can orgasm only climax about 50 – 70%  of the time, so says the Mayo Clinic, often choosing not to. Or they would choose that if they felt it wouldn’t create insecurity or cognitively disturb their partners.

A recent study illuminated the main reasons women lie:

1. Altruistic deceit (faking out of concern for a partner’s feelings)
2. Fear and insecurity (faking to avoid negative emotions associated with the sexual experience)
3. Elevated arousal (attempting increase one’s own arousal)
4. Sexual adjournment (faking orgasm to end sex)

Women’s sexuality often feels like a barren wasteland of lasciviousness with little sensual delights. Mainly because our erotic life is primarily defined by male sexual tastes, male psychology. And why wouldn’t it be? Until very recently, 97% of ALL MEDIA was male written, produced, directed so most female parts didn’t come from female brains.

Not everyone likes asparagus, wine or even dark chocolate, nor should they, so why should we expect every sexual encounter to be as sumptuous and exceptional as a holiday dinner? Must every meal have a decadent dessert?

Once again, allow things, experiences, people, animals be what they are without enhancement, expectation or disappointment.

So, ladies. It’s crucial that you stop faking and start requesting. If your man can’t/won’t hear you in something as lovely and fun as  lovemaking, he’s not going to listen to you anywhere else. Vacate now. And besides, you’re ruining sex for the rest of us, not just yourself.

You’re inadvertently creating a bunch of clueless men who are already overly indoctrinated by movies, internet and porn into thinking their selfish lovemaking is effective, that all women cum in two minutes, that we moan and writhe and call them “King.” The truth? Some of us like it like this and not that. Some want it smooth or fast or both, take longer or prefer to take longer, and most of us like what we like. One “size” does NOT fit all.

So, you men? Don’t be dimwitted. Admit you don’t know and ask; each women is unique. There’s no ONE technique and no matter who you are, none of you are “King.” Women? Speak. Please! Most of us would like to get our sexual needs met without having to do it ourselves later in the bathroom, and men won’t learn unless we teach them. Stop lying and start laying it out.

*the post is only discussing heterosexual sexuality

i like a woman who takes “care” of herself

beauty

I’m a woman, and I’ve been one for a long time. I’m feminine in a masculine kind of way.

Meaning, I don’t burn, wax, whiten, shave, tweeze, peel, curl, tan, receive weaves, perms, eyelash treatments, Botox injections, lip plumping, anal bleaching, slather myself with chemicals, makeup, nail polish… I don’t stuff my feet into evil Cinderella step-sister shoes, don “flossing” panties or encase my butt in Spanx.

I don’t do this because: I like to walk, bike, hike, sit and move comfortably. I enjoy deep breaths and smiles that don’t hurt my face. I love to eat (makes you fat!!), drink red wine (stains your teeth!), enjoy raw onions & garlic (bad breath!). I partake of all regularly.

Until recently most men’s grooming rituals were Shit, Shower, Shave. If older, maybe tweeze those errant nose/ear hairs. Most wear sensible shoes.

Beauty shouldn’t alter your body’s ability to be a body. Hair machinations, tattoos or (most) piercings are creative without significantly changing the body’s mastery of itself. I like to wear flowing skirts, cute boots with heels no higher than a man would wear, scarves, hats and non-binding jewelry. I’ve had designs cut and color stripes dyed into my hair for 35 years. Occasionally, I wear lip tint. I’ve been told I’m elegant and beautiful.

I could target anything from the savage “beauty” list above to rant on—having barely touched on dieting, plastic surgery or foot binding—but I’m going after one porn-informed ubiquitous ritual because it disrupts women’s sexuality.

Women shaving/waxing their vagina is part of the sexualization images derived from porn, not from women. Hairless is not what women look like. No, boys, they really don’t. But it is what girls are like…or little boys.

In the last 15+ years, the sexual unhappiness of women has quadrupled, at least from the accounts wept from my client chair. Somehow, male imbibers of porn think what they see on their computer = sex with live women. Think again. [See testosterone: the most lethal substance on earth (george carlin)] Real life women—seen through this x-rated distortion of airbrushed, anorexic and “bald” models—come up lacking.

Well, ladies, you’re contributing to the problem by unconsciously internalizing a patriarchal ideal of beauty, by altering your bodies to mirror porn stars: boob jobs, labiaplasty, hoodectomy, anal bleaching. And, more minorly, by porn-tarting up your coochie and calling it grooming, by buying into the unreal perfection-waxed-projections pushed by the biggest Big Biz.

I’m weary of porn deforming the erotic lives of women. 98% (or more) of porn is not women designed or women interesting. I want sex to stop being defined by male fantasy-driven images. Porn is not making love; it’s not even sex. Just like faking orgasms to resemble the poppycock in XXX “films,” you’re ruining the visual perception for a lot of other women who just want to be…women. Au naturel.

Peeling a band-aid off really smarts though I don’t usually rip it from my vaginal lips. I hear it’s torture to get a Brazilian wax, “landing strip” or not.

And for what? Ask yourselves. Paraphrasing standup comedienne Laura Hayden: “Men used to be happy just to be invited to the playground. Now they want it cleaned up, too?!”

 

newness: wagging dicks, bouncing bosoms, part 1

Glitter, glitter, spoil and twitter.

NEW is one of the best-loved buzz words of advertisers, because it can grab immediate gratification impulse attention. It’s easy, as in sleazy.

On the other hand, the relaxed familiar is often dismissed as workaday drudge instead of cherished like broken-in boots or a favorite sweater. Favorite used to mean something one enjoyed and wanted to have again and again, like Queen Anne cherries or red wine. Somehow, whatever thing/experience has been untried is now the desired median in the U.S.: “extreme” “fresh” “novel” are cool!

Nowhere is NEW the most shaken & stirred as in un-sampled sexual partners. So, here’s a shorthand guide to securing the attention of mercurial men and women devoid of any discernible integris core, who—IMHO—within the last 15-20 years have been rising up like zombies in Shawn of the Dead:

A man, quite simple:

  1. Shake “the twins” or some “bootylicious-ness” near his eyes. Pretend you’re hot for him. Done.
  2. Call upon his inner compulsion to be the hero. Let him rescue you. Too tempting for most men to pass on this, since adoration is the hero’s opium. Cleavage helps here, too.

Warning: the above ephemeral tools have early expiration dates since they’re based in the different/unfamiliar state which by definition cannot last long.

How to get a woman, even a young hottie, when you—the man—are not so? Wagging a dick in her face won’t cut it at all; ‘turkey gizzard’ is what my long ago best friend labeled a man’s package. Instead, feign interest in her without looking at her boobies even if they are bejeweled with DIVA across them and:

  1. target her psychic wound; sympathize and connect with it. Then you can manipulate her all you want and she’ll tumble right into bed with you. This could work for the long term if you’re willing to listen to her prattle on about said torment and give her faux empathy. However, if you’re the transitory soulless type, most likely impatience will set in after the fun sexual hijinks become tarnished tediousness having been “experienced” one too many times.

women aren’t food

Alison Bechdel notices a pin-up calendar of a naked woman kneeling provocatively—in her book, Fun Home, Bechdel’s childhood autobiographical graphic novel—and suddenly her 10-ish child self alters. She asks her brother to call her Albert instead of Alison (she looks like a boy) while at the shop because—I believe—she feels exposed and objectified in a way she’d never experienced before. I, too, remember when I became aware of this indelicate difference—at age four—and came home asking my mamma if I could change out of my sundress into pants.

I grew up in the late 50s–60s (think Mad Men) where ogling women and making crude, rude remarks were common place. While married to my ex, he didn’t gawk at women in my presence but I heard from my kids—after we’d divorced—that he “drooled” over women in theirs. The kids mildly heckled him for it until they were older and then told him to stop outright.

What’s the big deal, you ask? He wasn’t really hurting anyone, right? Boys will be boys and all that. “Just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t read the menu,” right? Wrong. Girls get the message—reinforced repeatedly and subliminally throughout society and the media—that their true and maybe only power is in being sexy bait instead of the all-encompassing empowered lesson boys receive.

Appreciating beauty, physiques, pecs & six-packs, breasts, art, architecture, nature, food, etc. is normal. But those things are not extensions of you; they’re just things you admire. Like cute kids or cuddly kittens. They exist in their own right. You don’t get to possess or minimize their existence because you desire them.

And speaking of animals, they aren’t just food. They could be food and are in certain circumstances but that’s not who they are intrinsically; they have their own lives and thoughts. If humans only recognize them for this one “service,” then we get heinous CAFOs, chicken “farms” and euphemistically labeled foods: veal, paté.

To perceive females as something one wants to consume suggests we’re commodities not humans. If men only see women in relation to their personal “needs” or desires then we women are spammed up as the main course in sicko porn.

Sexuality, sensuality, eroticism are things I love to participate in, be it “sex with one” or embraces with another. Lecherousness is a whole further level of puke. Who exists as a full being there? We live in an obsessive culture that over-praises sex to the exclusion of other joys or demonizes it to the level of “sin.”

Couldn’t sexuality have it’s own lovely, ordinary, human place? Couldn’t all beings/things on this planet be allowed their own beautiful value without looking for their utility in relation to us?

Begin with women. Practice not ogling; practice not wanting to. Men, if you’re over the age of 25 (maturation of prefrontal cortex), you’ve no excuse. Outgrow it like most men outgrow wanting to party all night, beer guzzling hats, fart jokes, and 20-hour gaming marathons.

In other words, grow the f@#k up.

testosterone: the most lethal substance on earth (george carlin)

It’s not that I never feel sorry for boys or for men; I do. They live within this patriarchal system just as women and all the rest of the species on the planet have to. But then again, no other species constructed that paradigm, did they?

So—we should grieve for the poor boys who don’t strive in school and generate “arousal addiction issues” within themselves?” (Arousal addiction: you want different, not just more). I realize Philip Zimbardo is only trying to illuminate this declining aspect of society but there’s a choice going on here. Should we commiserate with males who don’t try? (girls outperform boys at all levels from elementary to graduate schools) You don’t have the same choices if you’re socially *disadvantaged by being born of the “lesser” gender, one of the “minor” races, deformed, neuro-diverse, etc.

But, if you’re from an entitled group that chooses to move towards Loser-ville, it’s difficult to sympathize as much. Except—what about all the straight females who can’t find decent males to befriend, laugh & talk with, share food, sex, music, children with, marry or just date?

Boys—Zimbardo says—no longer know the language of “face contact” because of “excessive internet use…video gaming/porning.” He says the average boy watches 50 porn clips a week!! Stats weren’t given for hours spent gaming. For every 400 films made in Hollywood there are 11K porn videos made; what number do adult men see? In 2009, a Canadian study wanting to measure the impact of pornography on 20-something men was cancelled. The reason? Researchers couldn’t find a control group of men in their 20s who hadn’t consumed porn.

Last February, Bill Maher discussed this trend: “I’m not anti-porn. I’m just saying masturbation has its place and that place is Plan B, when you can’t get the real thing…now psychologists are telling us that for a sizable percentage of men in America, masturbating to porn is Plan A, and doing it with your wife or girlfriend is more like a fallback option…you literally jack yourself into a corner.”

And lastly, I bring you George Carlin: The Male Disease, where I quote, “All the problems in the world…can be traced to what fathers do to their sons.” (patriarchy in action)

Okay parents, time to step in. Ooops, except some of you parents are male. Well, then time to undo what was chosen by you, learned or given to you. Be ‘tasteful’ role models please: overcome your biology and your upbringing. You owe it to the human race to fulfill the term human. The planet is at stake.

Many of us are waiting, and waiting and waiting and waiting…

*valued from patriarchal paradigm standards